I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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