I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You ruined the universe
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
