Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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