I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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