if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
