I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
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