She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
