Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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