somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
