she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
