so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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