Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
