weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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