literally had 100 drinks last night.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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