I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
