my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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