Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
