All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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