you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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