I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
