I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
