I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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