Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
