The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
