Cold hands, warm shart.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
