boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
