My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
