Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
