you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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