He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
