My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
