Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
