textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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