There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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