You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
