Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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