I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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