yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
