I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
