well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
