Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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