One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
