just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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