so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
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