In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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