I hate all girls vehemently.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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