I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
