I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
