my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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