The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
