dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It was confusing and full of hummus
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
