if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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