Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
