you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
